Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
being pregnant is like rehab
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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