ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
