Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
