It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
His hands were made for my vagina.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
