Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Randomize
