I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
