also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
