You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
