I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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