I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize