Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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