You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
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All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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