clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
