i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
