if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
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