there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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