If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she looked like the before picture.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
