isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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