Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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