please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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