He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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