Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
