I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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