Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
