I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
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You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
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Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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