Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
