This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I would fuck him just for his dog
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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