Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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