The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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