then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
