well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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