So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
How external is "for external use only"?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
