6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
