Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
