Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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