you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
