My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
