Just fell off a train. Bad.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
