ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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