if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
