A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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