I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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