***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
