I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
