she was so not down for the gang bang
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
