he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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