I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
