It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
