Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
