you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
