can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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