You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
