I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
