I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
