I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
