Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
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Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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