I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
